So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
