Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
