i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
