first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
