She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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