make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Randomize
