cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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