Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
