Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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