I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
