Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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