I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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