I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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