Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
