Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
