Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
