You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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