I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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