dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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