Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
