I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
