I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
