i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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