i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
i need some magic done to my vagina
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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