I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
