Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
