There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
