i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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