By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
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He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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