I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
