I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
