I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.