I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize