If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
