My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
