A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
