Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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