Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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