You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
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then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
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I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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