I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Randomize
