Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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