i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
