he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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