Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
