The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
