dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
i've created a new STD.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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