im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
