He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
