I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
