2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
