My room smells like vodka and shame
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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