No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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