please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
