Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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