ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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