Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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