Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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