I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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